Deep Thoughts
Sign on the side of a septic tank truck: "Your number 2 is our number 1."
Revised proverb: "He who live in glass house better dress in the basement."
Seen in an ad for a small company: "If it's in stock, we have it."
"My wife is trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did.
She told me to go and keep an eye on it." Rodney Dangerfield
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?" Steven Wright
"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors'
coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. 'Mitch's Pizzeria -- This week's coupon: unlimited
free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations'." Mitch Hedberg
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Unknown
From the movie "Revenge of the Pink Panther":
Commissioner Dreyfus : [after Clouseau's fiasco with the bank robbers] "... You are suspended for six months,
without pay, effective immediately! Have you anything to say?"
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : "...Could you lend me fifty francs?"
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Unknown
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Rodney Dangerfield
"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a
work station . . ." Unknown
A day without sunshine is like, night. Unknown
"How do they get teflon to stick on the pan?" Gallagher
From the movie, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail":
[the King gestures to the window]
King of Swamp Castle : "One day, lad, all this will be yours."
Prince Herbert : "What, the curtains?"
King of Swamp Castle : "No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out over the valleys and the
hills! That'll be your kingdom, lad."
Why do psychics have to ask for your name? Unknown
I went to a 24-hour convenience store and as I approached the door, the manager was locking up. I said,
"How can you be closed? Your sign says you're open 24 hours?" He replied, "Not in a row!" Steven Wright
"My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating." Henny Youngman
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. Unknown
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like
the passengers in his car. Unknown
"Whenever I walk, people try to hand me fliers. And when someone tries to hand me out a filer, it's
kinda like they're saying, 'Here -- you throw this away'." Mitch Hedberg
I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder. Unknown
"From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend
reading it." Groucho Marx
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart? Unknown
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side fell off? He's all right now. From Funniest Puns and Jokes
"A cigar makers' organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don't know if
that's true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there
rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood and applauded." Groucho Marx
"When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother." Rodney Dangerfield
How can you tell when you've run out of invisible ink? Unknown
27% of all statistics are useless. Unknown
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. Unknown
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Unknown
McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my
McDonalds and not participate. . . . I want to be the stubborn McDonalds owner. "You got cheeseburgers?"
"Nope . . . we got spaghetti! . . . and blankets." Mitch Hedberg
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy". The man says, "I want a second opinion". The
psychiatrist says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" Henny Youngman
On a traffic light, green means go, red means stop and yellow means yield. But on a banana it's just the
opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where did you get that banana?
Mitch Hedberg
We're lost, but we're making good time. Yogi Berra
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Steven Wright
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me. Unknown
My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. Today I drove past a store that sells sweat
pants. Randy Glasbergen
When it comes to giving, some people will stop at nothing. Unknown
Don't tell Mom I'm an investment banker. She thinks I play piano in a brothel. Unknown -- of course, you can
substitute investment banker with attorney, consultant, DMV employee, etc.
Some days you're the bug. Some days you're the windshield. Unknown
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't. Unknown
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle. Unknown
